i'm back, hi!

hey friends.

i've been absent from the blog scene.

why? i've been super busy.

i'm usually always busy, but always found time to 

add to my little spec in the blog-osphere

because it brought me some freedom & a space of

my own to post aspects of my life i wanted to remember

or random things i found funny or awesome.  

it's so crazy because i've been thinking about 

blogging constantly over the last 7 months, 

like on the daily- but the fear

 of un-authenticity has prevented me.

i haven't even signed into this blog since my last

posting last november. 

the universe works in mysterious ways...

my last post was recapping a jenny lewis show.

it was an amazing show that has since encouraged

a very heavy playing of  the voyager at our home.

this album is so good. 

in the song one of the guys there's one line

that hit me so hard the first time i heard it

(which was live, at the show)

'just another lady without a baby'

 at that time, and for the two years prior

i was struggling with

infertility that was all consuming,

mind, body & soul consuming.

my life at the time revolved around 

my doctors office & my life was

separated into two week increments:

ovulation & menstruation, closely followed by

intense disappointment, frustration & sadness.

a few weeks after the jenny lewis show

i found out i was pregnant. 

it was the first night of hanukkah & one day

before my 30th birthday.

a hanukkah miracle we proclaimed!

why the connection with jenny lewis

 you  might be wondering?

i'm seeing her tonight in athens.

of all days to get my blog juices going..

to sign in and see that last post was really weird.

it's taken so much for me to get back on here.

(please note that i do not taking myself or this blog too seriously,

or believe that anyone seriously missed it- but i missed it.

 i know it's mostly filled with pictures of my mundane

 everyday life, my dogs & husband & friends

 & random pictures & promotes my completely

 lefty political affiliations & ideas)

my biggest aversion to blogging was not

talking about my pregnancy news.

i had so many times read statuses & blogs

about people's happy baby news & hated them.

a mix of jealousy, angst, wanting to be happy for them

but unable to get over myself.

i did not want to be THAT person.

THAT person was who i wanted to be for so long.

but when i became THAT person, 

THAT person was still so foreign to me. 

i just thought about the women in the club

i had previously been a member of.

the club no one wants to be in, but you find some

solace in other people's similar, shared pain.   

after some really solid advice/therapy from my (therapist)

friends, i realized that i could somehow be the hope that

others needed. hearing stories of women finally

conceiving after under going the same things i did

was powerful- still tarnished with jealousy, but always

gave me hope & strength & energy to surge on 

(a fertility joke for those "in the know").

at some point i'll share more of our infertility

journey. it's probably nothing you haven't heard before,

but to me, it's so personal & real. 

the experience is so crazy difficult to think

of even now, six months out.

so, hey. i'll let you know how the show goes.